1 Year On..

So a year ago this month, my life I had known for 5 years changed. I was in a really dark place, I thought my life was over. My whole adult life that I had been used to got taken away from me in the blink of an eye. I couldn't see a point of living anymore, I thought I had nothing, I thought I had no one. I was so depressed I was seeing the crisis team every day, wasn't allowed out alone because I couldn't be trusted not to do anything to hurt myself, I was almost admitted to hospital, I just remember feeling like I wasn't going to ever get out of the way, I was feeling and that ending my life was the only way to stop the pain and hurt and constant dark thoughts I was feeling. Still to this day, I hurt but not for the same reasons I was hurting a year ago. I hurt because I hate the fact I allowed myself to feel so depressed and low and for everything I put my friends and family through at that time in my life. Everyday I feel guilty for knowing how I effected people around me just by the way I was. I hate that I made people worry about me all day everyday and I will forever live with that guilt. However, I will be forever grateful for my friends and family for their unconditional support and love. Without them, I know for a fact I would 100% not be here today. There is nothing in this world that I could ever give them to repay them, I owe them all my life. As I sit here today writing this, I'm sat next to my boyfriend who is the most understanding person in the world. He is aware of my past and everything I've been through and experienced and he is so patient with me. He knows that I was used to being in a toxic relationship and he constantly reminds me that not everyone is the same. He reassures me of his love for me everyday, he treats me like a queen. Sometimes I just sit there and look at him and think "what did I do to deserve him and how did I get so lucky to find someone so patient and understanding." I'm only just now realising that what I was used to in a relationship wasn't normal. I'm still struggling but working on being able to open up and tell him when I'm having a bad day or somethings on my mind because I was so used to just being brushed off and pushed to the side if I was having a bad day so I got so used to not saying anything. I'm still learning new things and how a healthy relationship works but I'm getting there. I cannot express enough how much I love my boyfriend for everything he's done for me already in the 2 months I've known him. He holds me when I'm feeling down, he reminds me that he's there for me and to listen to me, he wants to spend quality time together and make memories, he wants to make me happy, he does make me happy... really happy. If I was told a year ago that I would have the most loving, caring and affectionate boyfriend I would have laughed in their face and said I wouldn't be alive in a year, let alone in a new relationship with someone who I want to build a future and a family with. I will forever be grateful for those who have been there for me this past year, it has been the worst but best year of my life. I've learnt to grow as a person, I'm learning my worth and have learnt that everything really does happen for a reason. Remember, you're not alone, I'm here to listen, I've been there, I know how it feels to feel nothing and everything at the same time. I'll always be here to support you.