My Personal Experience - You're Not Alone

In September 2022, my 5 year relationship came to an end. It came as a bit of a shock. We were engaged, we had a flat and pets together, I thought I was set for life with this person. However one day they came home from work and broke up with me. I didn't take it well at all. It was my first heartbreak and I didn't know how to deal with anything. Considering the amount of time we had been together and everything we had been through together over the 5 years we had been together, I never thought I'd be without them, I never thought I could live without them. My mental health instantly took a turn for the worse. How I felt is something that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Every second of every day I was crying. I was just watching the past 5 years of my life fall apart in front of my eyes, everything we had built together, the memories we had together, literally everything hurt all of the time. I couldn't eat for weeks, I was waking up, crying being sick then going back to sleep. Im not very good at change but almost overnight my whole life changed. I moved out the flat that we made a home and went to live with my parents. At first, when I woke up in the mornings, I'd instantly cry because I was waking up in a place that wasn't my home, the second my eyes would open I would make myself jump because I wasn't in my bed in my home and I liked the comfort of my own home, it was my safe place. The first month after the break up I would say was the worst. I felt like I was doing everything on my own, I had to get all my stuff out of the flat, re home our beautiful cats, be in constant contact with the landlord updating him on what the situation, phone up all the utility bill people and take my name and bank details off, all while still in denial about the whole break up. My head felt like it was going to explode 24/7 and everything got way too much for me. I loved this person with my whole heart and they were no longer in my life. I used to think that they were the reason I was put on this earth, they were my person so not having them made me question everything. I felt like I couldn't live without them because they were all I had ever known in my whole adult life. I was lost, scared, lonely and felt like I had lost everything and that life wasn't worth living anymore. One day I decided I wanted to just go. I told my family I was taking my dog out for a walk and I did but I dropped him back and then just drove. I ended up in a hidden car park and I sat there for hours just crying. I turned my phone off so no one could contact me, I wanted to be alone where no one could stop me from what I really wanted to do and what I felt like was my only option to put an end to the pain I was feeling all the time. After about 2 hours of sitting in my car, I got out and went for a walk along the shoreline. There was so many things going through my head "what if I just jump over the edge and into the sea" "no one would miss me anyway" I could see the motorway in the distance and I thought "I could just find a bridge that goes over it and jump" it was all I could think about, to end the constant words going round in my head, my brain just never stopped, I couldn't focus on anything but doing this was the only thing I could focus on. Then one woman walked past me with a baby in a pram and her dog and she smiled at me as her dog sniffed my leg. Something clicked inside and I then began to focus on my gorgeous nephew and my dog, my mind then began to spiral and my focus completely switched to my family and what I would be leaving behind. I turned my phone back on to find 100's of missed calls and voice mails from my family and friends worried about me. But at the time, the one person I wanted to hear from had messaged me saying they were worried about me and they were out looking for me. I told them where I was and they came and sat with me and spoke to me. It gave me false hope that things could be sorted between us.They drove me home where my family was waiting for me and I finally opened up to them about how bad my mental health really was. My mum phoned up the doctors for me and I was referred to the crisis team. I went to the hospital every day for 3 weeks and spoke to them about how I was feeling and the steps that needed to be taken next. Throughout those 3 weeks I was very unstable. One day I was in the room telling them about how I had just started to go out and socialise with some of my old friends and the next I was taken into my appointment early because I had done something stupid and my mum wanted to get me checked out asap. I was so bad it got to the point where I couldn't be left alone, I always had a member of my family with me because I couldn't be trusted to be on my own. I felt trapped and like a burden to them all. I kept asking myself 'why am I like this? why can't I just be normal and go out and just get over it?' I felt like I was on a rollercoaster everyday. I'd wake up, cry, but then I'd start messaging my friends and they'd actually want to see me. Don't get me wrong, at first I was absolutely exhausted after seeing them because it took all of my energy out of me to hold a conversation because my mind was still non stop and elsewhere but I tried so hard to be there and present with them. All people would say to me is "time is the greatest healer" and I would never believe it because I just felt that I could never imagine my life without them in it. Genuinely, I thought that nothing in this world could stop me feeling the way I felt and that no matter how much time went on, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hate to say it but all them people, that told me time is a healer, were telling the truth. As I sit here today 4 months down the line, I can honestly say that I'm very nearly there. I don't want to text my ex every second of every day anymore and I can hand on my heart say I don't love them anymore. I always thought that no matter what I'd still love them even if we weren't together but I really don't. Yeah, they were my first love and yeah for 5 years they were my best friend and my whole world but if I've learnt anything from this whole thing is that people come and go, family are forever. This time 3 months ago, I never thought I'd still be here, let alone writing about my experience and putting it out there to let people know that how they're feeling is okay.It felt like the longest road I've ever had to travel and at times it felt never ending with many bumps in the road but here I am coming to the end of the road and I feel like I'm about to take the final step. There is help, your problems and your feelings are valid and no matter how big or small or stupid or ridiculous you may think they are, there are people out there to listen to them, me being one of them.